JonnyBravo

Fuck Kim Kardashian. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I would...

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 08:22:57 -0800

Fuck Kim Kardashian. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I would but I don’t really want to go after Reggie Bush (amirightfellas?). But wasn’t this bitch’s platform that you don’t need to be thin to be beautiful?? I mean, all she talks about is how much she loves her curves and shit but, and stop be if I’m wrong*, then why is she losing weight? It’s obvious that she is trying to get thinner. But Kim, I thought big could be beautiful?? Now, I’m not complaining, I don’t like fat girls and I’m not saying she will ever not be curvy or that she’s skinny by any means, I’m just saying, don’t go selling fucking thighmasters and then get lipo (I’m looking at you Suzanne Somers). I mean, are the days of trusting the famous-for-no-reason-offspring-of-other-quasi-famous-people over??

*I’m never wrong, motherfuckers.

Fuck the Yankees.

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 08:16:00 -0800

To quote the great Doug Stanhope, fuck the yankees. Their payroll is nearly double, nearly 100% MORE than the Phillies. How the fuck are they not supposed to win??? It isn’t a difference of a couple million. Its the difference of three ARods. Four Derek Jeters. Five Mark Teixeiras. You could take the top 5 players from the Yankees and put them on the current Phillies roster for that amount. Now who wins?? Ridiculous. Unless you live in New York, then FUCK THE YANKEES. In case you wondering, the second highest payroll belongs to the Mets and is still 60 Million less…

Red flag?

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 18:50:32 -0800

Me: What was the name of your tattoo artist buddy that is crazy good?
Her: Why, what are you getting?
Me: I gotta finish the inside of this half-sleeve; want him to a sacred heart for me.
Her: Oh he'll do something amazing, I'm sure! I want a heart but I want a knife through it.
Me: ...

jkelske: FACT: The Fresh Berry Medley from Trader Joes is by...

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 18:44:14 -0800

jkelske:

FACT: The Fresh Berry Medley from Trader Joes is by far the hardest plastic container I ever had to open…

Harder than your tampon box?? You can have your man card back once you’ve killed a large animal (must have claws) with your bare hands. Or, if time is not an issue, you can have it after watching (in the following order): Rocky IV, Karate Kid I and II, Die Hard I and IV, Rambo and finally Big Trouble in Little China. If this was a plastic container filled with say, scorpions or those poisonous frogs from brazil, or perhaps ninja stars then I might light you slide. Now go to your room and think about what you just did.

rdmcgeorge: Victim in Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn...

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 20:31:15 -0800

rdmcgeorge:

Victim in Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck - There are some really priceless quotes in this video.

She was so beautiful, she didnt even have little pig eyes.

The minute you realize you're old...

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 20:24:40 -0800

calamitysam:

Is the minute the 22-year-old girl dressed as a GI Jane stripper sans underwear asks what you’re supposed to be. A 1940s pin-up girl actually. Classy. As opposed to your “top” and bare midrift. I’m pretty sure if you were army crawling through the jungle, your shit would be wrecked. I thought costumes were supposed to be legit? Now I know that using the term midrift alone ages me. And I know Halloween is an open invitation to dress like even more of a tramp than the bar-hopping norm. I can’t do it anymore though. I love to dance, imbibe and make a jackass out of myself just as much as the next person, but I had a fucking headache the next day that could’ve rivaled a brain tumor. I didn’t even drink all that much and the drinks weren’t even that tasty. Tasty enough to justify my horrendous dome pain. This just isn’t my cup of tea anymore. Although I’m damn glad I was present to see Jon “stomp the yard” and engage in a mean round of air double dutch on the dance floor, splitting his rented trousers from crotch to shin. I laughed my ass off. Until he showed me his balls.

Ha! Just people loving people, babe.

i refuse to fight the upcoming holidays sober. if they kill me, then at least i'll be oblivious.

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 21:28:56 -0800

(via bringtheruckuss)

awww…yes. The gauntlet begins…

Interesting...position?

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 15:45:20 -0800

C: No, he fucked my roommate.
Me: Jess?
C: Patrick.
Me: Oh shit! Yeah, I feel like I heard he was bi.
C: There's no such thing as bi. You suck a dick, you're gay.
Me: I never thought about it like that...makes sense.
C: Gay.

Best. Halloween. Ever. I swear I’m posting this picture...

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 14:19:00 -0800

Best. Halloween. Ever. I swear I’m posting this picture because its the best one of my costume. Not because of the boobs. Mostly not because of the boobs. Let’s call it 50/50.

Update: yes, I now own my 19th century tuxedo I rented due entirely to the fact that I ripped the pant leg from the belt to the ankle. Turns out, you shouldn’t break dance in formal attire. If you’re thinking you shouldn’t break dance at all, well then you obviously haven’t hung out with me. BOOMBOOMPOW!

via

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 10:09:31 -0700

via

TONIGHT- We are getting FUCKED up!!

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 23:00:10 -0700

TONIGHT- We are getting FUCKED up!!

"Ladies, y’all need to stop stressing all the motherfucking time. You need to understand,..."

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 22:51:06 -0700

“Ladies, y’all need to stop stressing all the motherfucking time. You need to understand, bitch, if you are not the shit to you, you are not the shit to any fucking body else! …Life is short, that’s all I’m sayin, you gotta enjoy your motherfuckin life!”

- Katt Pimp 32 Williams

I want to write a book: Convos with Mandy...

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 07:13:45 -0700

It’s just the daily back and forths with her that I love:

For the last week or so my phone’s touch screen has ceased responding to my touches- it’s taken me awhile to accept it since that’s the first time anything like that has happened to me ;-) I’ll probably get a new one…someday…or something. I’m waiting ‘til Halloween is over, if ever there’s a day that I’ll lose my phone, it’s the day when I’ve shoved it in one of my cre-vah-ses because a purse doesn’t go with my costume …

… Can’t wait to see pics of your costume! Good luck in surviving the night. Wherever I end up peeing that night, I’ll think of you.

Love, Palm

Although the weather outside is frightful…love love this...

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 07:10:35 -0700

Although the weather outside is frightful…love love this time of year. Time to break out the double-thick argyles, stoke the fire, whip up a little home-made egg-nog…

I’m just saying if anyone is thinking about getting me an...

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 21:00:03 -0700

I’m just saying if anyone is thinking about getting me an early christmas gift…

This is our daily routine. I wake up and stumble to the shower,...

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 19:10:43 -0700

This is our daily routine. I wake up and stumble to the shower, he takes my place in the bed. I think the ass on the pillow is a nice touch. Thanks bud. Fuck, I want to be my dog.

antikris: For lack of a better idea, and for lack of funds, I...

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 19:05:16 -0700

antikris:

For lack of a better idea, and for lack of funds, I was thinking of going as a Cholo. I googled “Cholo tattoos” for some ideas and this was the first image.

I dont think I’ve ever heard of a “gay cholo”

You’ve obviously never been to prison. I mean, neither have I. Why is everyone looking at me?

Things I learned today: Skittles are not an appropriate pre-workout meal.

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 08:12:18 -0700

Things I learned today: Skittles are not an appropriate pre-workout meal.

Excess-ism-ness.

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 17:06:22 -0700

Halloween costume confirmed and acquired. It may or may not involve the procurement of human hair, an appointment with a dentist after-hours, the convincing of a reputable LA make-up artist (she does Rhianna’s, Vanessa William’s the cast of the new 90210, and now, apparently, my makeup) to make a house call in Reno, an ascot tie, and some serious finger-crossing. This is going to be my greatest Halloween yet. Love this day…

themattsmith: Are you fucking kidding me? You are making your...

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 17:00:59 -0700

themattsmith:

Are you fucking kidding me?

You are making your kids stand outside in the cold rain for a half-hour so they can get a shot that will hopefully keep them from getting sick?

Right? So you’re huddling together in a mass of strangers? Good call, assholes. And what the fuck? Its the FLU. People be like (insert: red-necky/valley-girl accent here), “But some chick dropped dead from it! OMG” and I want to tell these cats the motherfucking flu kills people every year. Yep, every single year. Maybe this one is worse than the others?? But fuck, if my friend’s 5yr old can get it and survive it with no medication then everyone else needs to calm the fuck down. When did we get to be such pussies? Everyone rubbing purrell on their fucking hands every 30 seconds, scared to drink out of the tap or eat a fuckin apple without washing it in 1:1000 parts chlorine solution. I haven’t gotten a flu shot in 10 yrs. I have gotten the flu once in 10 years. I drink out of the hose if I’m thirsty. Sometimes I work on my truck and then I eat a sandwich before I wash my hands. Calm down. If I can injest a liter of alcohol on a semi-regular basis and still DESTROY the drums in Rockband, well, then its the flu that should be scared of me. Man up, America. You’re embarrassing me in front of company.