When I was 19, my mother told me she was divorcing my father. But he’s being perfect now! He’s exactly what you wanted him to be! The tears streamed down my face. I resented her, the woman I loved the most in the world, for a long time. How could she do that to us? He fixed what you wanted him to fix. It was then that she sat me down and explained, “sometimes you scar something so badly, you hurt it so repeatedly that it can’t ever be fixed.” It took me ten years and one badly broken heart to realize what she meant.
JonnyBravo
Chapter 11.
Just paid for my plane ticket to Vegas. Just paid for my ticket to Costa Rica. Just got my credit card bill. If you need me, I’ll be weeping softly in my bedroom.
Oh hey Bruno. Vussssup. Seriously, my dog is cooler than I am when we roll deep. Maybe it’s because I use phrases like “roll deep.”
- T: The stripper yelled at you to shut up. From the stage.
- Me: Why?
- T: Because you were singing the song she was trying to dance to at the top of your lungs.
- Me: Oh yeah! ha! I love that song.
- T: It shows.
Las Vegas.
The boys just booked a 6,000 square foot suite at the Encore for next weekend. Me, Sette, Todd, Brad, Lance, Dornan, et al., well…I don’t mind if I do. Looks like it’s about time to ruin another suit. Hit me up if you’re there. There’s definitely going to be a tiger in the bathroom at the end of this trip if I have anything to say about it…
Don’t you get just a little disappointed when you see these protests? I mean, you went through all that effort to have a sign printed and then there’s just one or two dudes sitting there. Possibly flipping through an old copy of Reader’s Digest. I mean, where is the screaming over-weight mother? Why isn’t anyone burning an effigy of some sort? Can I at least get a little synchronized jeering? Fuck. I don’t ask for much. In related news, my friend’s cousin just got a job dressing up as a hamburger to promote a new restaurant. We’re on our way to go pick up lawn chairs and 40oz beers to sit and heckle her.
Deal-breaker.
I almost ended a date after I realized she was a broncos fan. True story. Against my better judgment, we’re going out again, unless they win tonight. I don’t have time for that shit.
Fuck Kim Kardashian. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I would but I don’t really want to go after Reggie Bush (amirightfellas?). But wasn’t this bitch’s platform that you don’t need to be thin to be beautiful?? I mean, all she talks about is how much she loves her curves and shit but, and stop be if I’m wrong*, then why is she losing weight? It’s obvious that she is trying to get thinner. But Kim, I thought big could be beautiful?? Now, I’m not complaining, I don’t like fat girls and I’m not saying she will ever not be curvy or that she’s skinny by any means, I’m just saying, don’t go selling fucking thighmasters and then get lipo (I’m looking at you Suzanne Somers). I mean, are the days of trusting the famous-for-no-reason-offspring-of-other-quasi-famous-people over??
*I’m never wrong, motherfuckers.
Fuck the Yankees.
To quote the great Doug Stanhope, fuck the yankees. Their payroll is nearly double, nearly 100% MORE than the Phillies. How the fuck are they not supposed to win??? It isn’t a difference of a couple million. Its the difference of three ARods. Four Derek Jeters. Five Mark Teixeiras. You could take the top 5 players from the Yankees and put them on the current Phillies roster for that amount. Now who wins?? Ridiculous. Unless you live in New York, then FUCK THE YANKEES. In case you wondering, the second highest payroll belongs to the Mets and is still 60 Million less…
Red flag?
- Me: What was the name of your tattoo artist buddy that is crazy good?
- Her: Why, what are you getting?
- Me: I gotta finish the inside of this half-sleeve; want him to do a sacred heart for me.
- Her: Oh he'll do something amazing, I'm sure! I want a heart but I want a knife through it.
- Me: ...
